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last chance texaco |
| 2002-09-29 : 2:35 a.m...dying |
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this one time, i was on a bunch of drugs and i was by myself and all of a sudden i had this icepick of panicked clarity work its way into my brain--i thought i was going to die. i mean, i was sure of it. this was it, this was how they were going to find me, drowned in blood and vomit and the only thing i could think of was how the cd in my stereo was elvis costello's "my aim is true" and even though i wasn't listening to it, there was no way for whoever found me to know that, and therefore that record would become like, a twisted kind of epitaph. i didn't want anybody to get the wrong idea, so i wrote this thought down with shaky hands. "elvis has nothing to do with this," i scribbled, and eventually the words just poured out. i personalized each paragraph, sort of addressing anything left unsaid between me and whoever it was caught my mind at the time. and then i realized, jesus, this is a fucking suicide note here. they're going to think i killed myself. well, i can't have that. "this is not a suicide note," i penned furiously, unsure of how much time i had left. my breath was rapid, and if my eyes closed for more than five seconds at a time i induced a mild coronary in myself to stay awake. "this is a 'just in case' note. i need you all to know that this was not on purpose. i am just stupid." i won't go on at length about the details. i just recently unearthed this literary gem and had a most stark revelation. even at my presumed moment of death, i was more concerned with how people were going to think of me. what an asshole! |