now, i hate weddings when it's for people i know. the lustre is diminished when it's a complete stranger.

but i learned some things.

i never realized how irrelavant the groom was before. the bride-to-be had sent a list of photos that she wanted taken, itemized by chronology--pre-ceremony, ceremony, post-ceremony, reception, etc. about a hundred or more photos in all, of which the groom was in about ten, and only, i think, because he happened to be there--the kiss, the cake, whatever.

two things happened that led me to believe this union is...well, doomed. first, our blushing bride lost the wedding ring about fifteen minutes before the ceremony. she had to borrow her father's ring as a stunt double. much weeping ensued. now i don't go to many weddings, but even i know that the ring is kind of a big deal.

second, they couldn't get their unity candle lit. it was as though the couple missed the bone entirely thrown to them by the purloined wedding ring and the great magnet tried to send them another sign that perhaps this wasn't such a good idea after all.

but on their wedding day, man, people are determined to get married.

being jewish, this was my first catholic ceremony. what a drag. lots of standing and sitting, praying and amen-ing. i think these people got married three or four times that day. there was a point where the deacon told us to recite the lord's prayer. shit, man. i don't know the lord's prayer. so i tried to be inconspicous but this woman, this dried-up fruit bat of a woman, eighty-five if she was a day, gives me the nastiest look from across the church when she sees my lips aren't moving. so now, if the marriage does fail, this chick is going to think it's all my fault. or maybe not. love thy neighbor and everything.

i kept myself enthused with the promise of booze at the reception. but get this: dry. apparently, dad-in-law's a recovering alcoholic, so all of us had to suffer. i don't want to be rude, but jesus christ, if you feel tempted, keep the old sponsor on speed dial and let the rest of us have a goddam drink.

i don't know why i don't like weddings. perhaps it reminds me of my inability to even conceive of making that kind of commitment to someone. or maybe i'm just embarassed that i've never learned how to properly tie a tie so it's always twisting up and pulling to the left a little bit.

all i do know is that conservative southern catholics really don't know how to party.

ITEM! the recently-elected mayor of new orleans, ray nagin, affectionately referred to as "The Cable Guy" (he used to be a vice-president at Cox Digital Cable, or something) has announced that he is going to bottle new orleanian tap water and sell it next to dasani and evian. this is the best a louisiana entrepreneur can come up with, and we wonder why this is like, the poorest major city in the united states.

ITEM! nagin's deal with satan in order to ensure beaucoup tourist dollars with his new "come to new orleans and perish horribly" offseason financial security plan backfires, hundreds of local merchants dead in unexplained serial combustions.

* a sign in the window of a local art gallery: "if wal-mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing's free yet?"

* notice posted on the door of circle K: "no pets allowed except seeing-eye dogs and helper monkeys."

* homemade contact paper sticker strategically placed underneath USA Today logo on newspaper vending machine: "tommorow the world."

filling the void daily, tune in for more developing stories.